If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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