I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
