he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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