I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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