im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
