So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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