I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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