Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
4 words: hood of his car
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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