Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
