I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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