woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
