Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
