I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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