my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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