On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
