They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
