I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
