I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
