I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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