Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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