Your favorite bartender is back from prision
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
