Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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