If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
