I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
