He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
