I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
