I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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