I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
