You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
