i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
