it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
