In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
