is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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