To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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