That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
