I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
