did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
