i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
