Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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