sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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