I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
