You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
