Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
