I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
