just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
