You just made me feel so damn special
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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