How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
