dude i'm inner monologue high
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
