guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
