ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
