You made me cry and you don't even care
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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